My wife, Michelle, wrote this as Christ brought fresh insight/new mercies (written in parentheses) to the lyrics of Laura Story’s song, “Blessings.”  Below Michelle’s post is a picture of us with Laura Story and her daughter.  Laura learned of Michelle’s blog and, when doing a concert here in Lubbock, wanted to meet Michelle.   nw

 

I have loved the song “Blessings” for a while, and always wondered at the meaning of the last line…”…are your mercies in disguise.” As Melissa sang it at Jordan’s memorial service, God breathed new meaning into my heart as I listened to every single line. Here’s what He said to me…

…All Jordan’s life…

We pray for blessings, (…for a healthy pregnancy, and delivery…)

We pray for peace. (…let his life go smoothly.)

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep, (…no bad dreams…safe travels…)

We pray for healing, (when he had a cold, or when he almost bit his tongue in half, or when he had the chickenpox, or when he was diagnosed with clinical depression, we trusted God would use the doctor to make him well.)

for prosperity (Let him be successful with his art and music.)

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering. (“Please God… fast-forward time, so the pain of my child’s suffering and death, will not be what I think about every second of every day.)

And all the while, (Every minute of every day.)

You hear each spoken need. (He hears my second-by-second cries of despair…He hears my HUGE sighs as my body tries to rid itself of the weight of grief…at the movies, eating dinner, riding in the car, visiting with friends…yet, He KNOWS what I REALLY NEED.)

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things. (He loves us so much. He sees the ENTIRE chessboard…He KNOWS that our NEEDS are more important than relief from our human emotions.)

‘Cause what if your blessings (Growth in my knowledge of God’s character.)

come through rain drops (They definitely do with the Watts Family)

What if Your healing comes through tears (Jordan’s healing came through tears alright-Nick’s, mine, Kelsie’s, Macy’s and hundreds of others’.)

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near… (I’ve had exactly 40 of them…a thousand is a lot more to go…but while I’m up, I say verses in my head, I talk to The Lord, I ask Him questions…I KNOW He’s here.)

What if trials of this life, (Jordan’s depression, and suicide…)

are Your mercies in disguise…(Were you merciful to me Lord, by taking my son at 19? What if Jordan continued to decline, but instead of dealing with his death, we had to, on a daily basis, deal with the continual torment of wondering where he was, if he was ok, if he was cold, if he was hungry, if he was alive…although it’s a small comfort, at least we KNOW that now, he is NONE of those things! He is whole, happy, and in the presence of Jesus Christ…he is NOT suffering…)

We pray for wisdom, (How do I use this as a testimony for God’s glory when the pain is so great?)

Your voice to hear. (Sometimes I can’t hear it, because the grief drowns it out.)

We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near. (I scream and groan aloud from the depths of my soul.)

We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love…(Strangely, I’ve never doubted these.)

As if every promise from Your word is not enough. (God’s promises are literally ALL I have to hold on to.)

And all the while, (Even when I doubt in your very existence…a dichotomy, yes…compare to the previous two stanzas. How can I hold on to God’s truth, and doubt His very existence? Because I’m human, and I DON’T understand WHY. I don’t have the mind of Christ…His ways are higher than my ways.)

You hear each desperate plea…(I’m very desperate, and each breath is a plea.)

And long that we’d have faith to believe…(Just like an earthly father who longs for his child to trust that he’s got them…”Go ahead and jump into the deep end, I’ll catch you, I PROMISE!”)

When friends betray us…(I naively thought this was the worst pain I would ever feel in my life…)

When darkness seems to win…(satan thought he won the war when Jordan died.)

We know that pain reminds this heart…(I’m so very grateful for this reminder, even if it comes with pain.)

That this is NOT, This is not our home…(Oh, thank you, God.)

It’s not our home…(Jordan is truly “home,” and I WILL see him again!)

What if my greatest disappointments …(Jordan will never meet the girls of his dreams, never have his own family…Two of the most important things he wanted.) …

or the aching of this life…(My body LITERALLY aches from grief…it feels exactly like the flu.)

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy…(…the longing for God’s perfect kingdom.)

What if trials of this life…(…seeing the pain of my amazing husband, and beautiful daughters, Jordan’s friends, and other loved ones..)

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights…(…the SUICIDE of my precious boy…)

…are your mercies in disguise?

HERE is my understanding of the last line…

…All of these things have brought me to a level of truly KNOWING God in a very real, and SUPERNATURAL way. Now I “know Him, and SHARE in the FELLOWSHIP of His SUFFERING.”

THAT’s God’s mercy in disguise…closeness with the God of the universe.

Michelle Watts