No, the above title is not a reference to the Beatles’ classic. Tomorrow, May 13th, is the one-year mark of my son, Jordan’s, entrance into Paradise. But, I had been dreading yesterday (5/11), I think, more than tomorrow (5/13).
Mother’s Day ’13, unbeknownst to the me, Michelle, Kelsie & Macy would be the last day on planet earth we would have the indescribable privilege of talking to Jordan and seeing him alive. The following day (Monday) was the day I found him.
This morning, I walked to the spot in our driveway where I had collapsed. Where I had beat the concrete so hard with my fist that, to this day, I still have pain. And I thanked God for carrying us.
This entire past week, leading up to yesterday, was, without question, the worst week in the Watts home since Jordan’s passing. In all of my life, I’ve never exploded with as much rage, much less since my son died. The emotional eruption was so acute it terrified me.
My anger was at God.
But, like Job demanding an answer from God – in essence, wanting to put God on trial – God “answered [me] out of the whirlwind and said: ‘Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge? Dress for action like a man; I will question you,….” (Job 38:1-2)
What ensued was ME being on trial – not God.
But here’s the plot-twist….
He was not there to accuse me. He was there to LOVE me. To hold me up. To protect me from satan, as well as from myself. To “guide me into all Truth.” And as He held me, I heard Him whisper the same thing He whispered to me a year ago: “I. Am. Here. I’ve got Jordan. I’ve got this. Trust Me. I AM JESUS CHRIST. Your Savior. Your Shepherd. Your Rock. Your Prince of Peace. Your Mighty God.”
Yesterday….was the most celebrative day I’ve personally had since May 13th, 2013. Jesus carried my family. And He still is. He has heard your prayers.
Yesterday….was Mother’s Day. Michelle told me she could feel the prayers of the people of God. My heart leaped for joy!
Yesterday afternoon….I received a text from a former student of mine, Joshua Hnatek (last name pronouced “NAH-tek”). He’s a giant of young man. A big teddy bear. Jordan was one of his best friends. Joshua texted me to ask if he could drop by. A few minutes later Joshua showed up at our front door with a dozen roses. He came in, stood in front of Michelle, and said something I’ll never in my life forget: “I have a good friend (Jordan) who wanted to be here today, but couldn’t, so I am here on his behalf.” The first photo is of Joshua & Michelle.
Then, a few minutes later, I received another text. Kevin Hodges is another dear friend of ours we met about 4 years ago. (Kevin & Joshua do not know each other.) Kevin also asked if he could drop by. He “had something for Michelle.” A few minutes later….you guessed it – Kevin shows up at our door with flowers for Jordan’s mom. By this time I was an emotional mess. We all were. We were on holy ground. With Jacob, I thought to myself, “Surely, the presence of the Lord is in this place.” (Genesis 28:16)
Dear Jesus, I am so sorry for my rage toward you. But I’m so grateful you allow me to unleash on You – you give me permission to do so. You told me, ‘Bring your rage to Me. I can handle it. And I can transform it.’ You said, ‘Cast ALL your cares upon Me, for I care for you.’ (1 Peter 5:7) I love you, Jesus. I love you so much. Thank You for carrying us.
I’m so tired of crying. “I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with my weeping.” (Psalm 6:6) But, O God, “You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?” (Psalm 56:8)
Most of all, Jesus, thank you that, as opposed to a year ago when Jordan was so sick, today he is more ALIVE, FREE, & JOYFUL than I’ve ever been.
Soli Deo Gloria, Nick