On May 13, 2013, my son, Jordan, took his own life. He was 19. In the days that followed, I set my course to prove God did not exist. I failed.
Introductory remarks:
- The Bible is clear that, once you’ve sincerely professed your faith in Christ as your Lord and your Savior, you can’t undo that. With Nicodemus, Jesus used the phrase “born again” to represent our new birth in Christ. To illustrate: I love my mom. But, if I turned on her, abused her, and verbally assaulted her with every profane word imaginable – I could never cease being her son. Jesus chose his words carefully and deliberately with Nicodemus when describing our salvation as being born again. Just as I could never be un-born from being my mother’s son, I can never be un-born from being God’s child.
- Based on the above biblical truth, I refer to my season of atheism as “situational atheism.” In “clinical vs. situational depression,” the former is a chronic malady requiring long-term help, while the latter is prompted by a particular situation in life. Hence, I often use the phrase “situational atheism“ to describe where I was at that time. Hence, when I use the phrase “atheism failed me,” I am referring to a time in my life when I abandoned my faith in God due to an acute crisis of belief, even choosing to leave vocational ministry by beginning to look for another career.
- When I use the phrase, “the Cross,” I am referring to the love, power, peace, and hope I found through my friend, my Lord, My King, Jesus Christ.
- Finally, I know atheists. They are friends of mine. I love them every bit as much as I love anyone else on this planet. They are wonderful people. Intelligent. Kind. Inquisitive. Compassionate. My story is in no way intended to mock them or their worldview. Although I disagree with their worldview, I deeply respect them. Atheism works for them. This is my story of why it didn’t work for me.
Introduction
The quote at the beginning of this blog was written by former atheist, C.S. Lewis who, like me in 2013, had hard questions about the Christian faith after losing his wife to cancer. In his book, A Grief Observed, Lewis cried out,
Meanwhile, where is God? This is one of the most disquieting symptoms. When you are happy, so happy that you have no sense of needing Him,…you will be—or so it feels—welcomed with open arms. But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence.
Screaming at God and demanding answers for his suffering, Job (rhymes with robe) said,
I want to argue my case with God himself. (Job 13:3)
Lewis wanted his day in court with God. Job wanted his day in court with God. Now, I wanted my day in court with God. I wanted to put God on trial.
And I did.
Socrates famously said,
“The unexamined life is not worth living.”
I was about to brutally examine “the problem of pain” and see where it led. What I found changed my life.
My story begins here….
This is my son, Jordan Blake Watts.
When my dad died of alcoholism I didn’t lose my faith. When my youngest sister died as a result of a lifetime of drug abuse I didn’t lose my faith. But, the events of May 13, 2013, were altogether different, bringing a level of pain and insanity I’d never before encountered. At that moment, I didn’t know what I believed.
Nothing made sense – including God.
When I found my son that afternoon I not only lost my mind, I lost my faith as well.
In the days that followed, I could not conceive of a God who would allow this.
Make no mistake: my decision to disprove the existence of God was no flippant, half-hearted effort, as you will see as you read my story.
The Problem of Pain
The “problem of pain” i.e. that a God claiming to be good, loving and all-powerful allows unspeakable suffering our world, is the No. 1 argument for atheism.
The ancient philosopher, Epicurus, sums it up best:
More recently, in 2006, prominent atheist, Sam Harris, restated Epicurus’ words:
If God exists, either He can do nothing to stop the most egregious calamities, or He does not care to. God, therefore, is either impotent or evil.
British author and podcast host, Justin Brierley, has interviewed atheists for well over a decade. In his book, Why, after ten years of talking to atheists, I’m still a Christian, he observes,
If you were to actually tally up the number of arguments in favor of theism and in favor of atheism, you might be surprised to see an imbalance between the two. On the side of theism there is a multiplicity of arguments – cosmological, philosophical, evidential, moral, ontological, and the list goes on. Atheism, however, while frequently critiquing the role of religion and its arguments for God, has an overall much shorter list of arguments of its own in favor of a naturalistic worldview, the prime one being the argument from suffering. (Brierly has a soon-to-be-released follow-up book citing over two decades of interviews and research.)
In other words, despite the overwhelming evidence for the existence of God, at the expense of said evidence, the problem of pain appears to be the primary reason for those who reject Christ.
My Problem with Atheistic Reason and Logic
My journey of investigation, with the objective of proving God to be a fraud, was not as easy as I had thought it might be. I was met with frustration.
I was sorely disappointed to find very little critical thinking by the atheist community. What I mean by critical thinking is thinking something through all the way to its logical end. Or, per the Socratic principle:
“Follow the evidence wherever it may lead.” (This Socratic principle, recorded in Plato’s Republic, is precisely what led to atheism’s champion, Antony Flew, to change his mind and become a theist.)
For instance, those who hold to a purely naturalistic/materialistic worldview demand not only Darwinian Evolution, but also human consciousness and free will. There’s a problem with this position – a huge problem: a blind, unguided process of purely natural processes cannot account for human consciousness and free will.
Given the strict parameters of Darwinian Evolution, free will is not a logically possible result. The ability to choose freely cannot be the purely natural result of the chemical domino effect of Darwinian Evolution. C.S. Lewis soundly refuted this. NYU’s Thomas Nagel, also an avowed atheist, does as well.
Sy Garte is a biochemist, professor, and also a Christian. He regularly posts on X (formerly Twitter) logical scientific arguments for biological intelligent design. I noted one person’s comment on one of Garte’s post:
Many atheists I talk to on X have claimed to me that the God of the Bible couldn’t possibly exist. But, as one Christian biologist mentioned, “When I ask them what they think caused matter to become conscious and self-aware spontaneously and unguided they go silent.”
Silence.
This is what I mean by not thinking things through to their logical end.
Further, desperately trying to avoid the conclusion that a transcendent Intelligence created our universe (what Genesis calls “God”), they’ve proposed alternatives that require far more faith than believing in the God of the Bible – such as the multi-verse.
But let’s think about this critically, logically, and intelligently.
A multi-verse? If cosmologists and astronomers spotted another universe, wouldn’t it simply be a part of our known universe. How would they know it wasn’t? Additionally, since science itself established the brute fact that our universe had a beginning, does it not logically follow that any other universe would also require a beginning? To have a beginning, logic dictates we need a Beginner. (The Bible calls this “beginner” God.)
Further, I was most unimpressed with ‘internet atheists’ who, hiding behind a keyboard, spit out soundbites, puerile insults, and embarrassingly unintelligent rhetoric.
I, perhaps unwisely, waded into an online conversation about Darwinian evolution. (I purposefully use the term “Darwinian evolution” to distinguish between Darwin’s “unguided, unplanned survival of the fittest” and micro-evolution which is the evolution within species.) I simply asked one question for the people online: “Why are there no ‘transitional forms’ in the fossil record?” For a better understanding of my question, see the pic below:
And not only human transitional forms, but also animals i.e. a “cat-dog”. Billions of years of Darwinian evolution dictates the fossil record would be replete with fossils representing the transition between “monkey and man.” Alas, there is nothing in the fossil record to give evidence of the transition.
What followed my innocent question was not a respectful conversation, but an attack on my character for having the audacity to question Darwin.
What these people didn’t know is that I was on a quest to join them in their atheism. But, all they did was contribute to my disillusion with their worldview. Why?
First, rather than engage in intelligent debate, they attacked me like juveniles. Second, not once did a single one of them offer any semblance of an answer to my question.
I saw this same pattern in 2-hour debate between the late Christopher Hitchens and William Lane Craig. During closing arguments, Craig said to Hitchens,
“Not once did you offer an argument for atheism. What you did was impugn me, my faith, and God.”
Attorneys know if the evidence is against you, attack the witness – which is what the people online did to me. I wanted nothing to do with their hollow, antagonism.
Especially in our age of digital information, you don’t have to look far for half-baked opinions and lazy scholarship.
C.S. Lewis, again in his Mere Christianity, facetiously emphasized mainstream culture’s willingness to reject sound, reasonable advice. His sarcasm speaks volumes:
In the 2000’s, we saw the emergence of the Four Horsemen of Neo-Atheism: Daniel Dennet, Sam Harris, Christoper Hitchens, and Richard Dawkins.
Richard Dawkins’ ‘The God Delusion’, has sold some 3 MILLION copies. Michael Ruse, is professor of Philosophy and Religion at Florida State U – and an atheist. But, even he said,…
Regarding Richard Dawkins’ ‘The God Delusion’,…
These authors’ modus operandi was always the same, tired strategy:
- Attack Christians/religion, and…
- Offer little to no good reason to embrace atheism.
But millions swallowed their words whole, and as fact.
That said, I set my mission to read respected atheists of ancient history such as David Hume, Friedrich Nietzsche and Bertrand Russell, and finally, contemporary atheists such as Raymond Tallis, David Berlinski and Thomas Nagel – all brilliant scholars in their respective fields.
As I’ve already mentioned, the No. 1 argument for atheism is “the problem of pain.” As such, I was ripe for defection.
But, atheism failed me. Here’s why:
1. Atheism gave me no place to put my pain.
Humor me for a moment…
G.K. Chesterton , the British writer and philosopher, once quipped,
In other words, when an atheist is thankful, for instance, for a beautiful sunset or for their family, to whom or what are they thankful? It’s a fair question.
The opposite is equally true. When an atheist is crippled with pain, rage and confusion, in whom, or what, do they find peace and consolation? This is also a fair question.
Orthodox atheism offered me nothing to lean into beyond the proverbial “a shoulder to cry on.”
I needed more than someone’s shoulder to cry on. Desperately more.
I was coming close to losing my mind. I needed more than banal knowledge from academia. I had lost my faith in God. I didn’t need a hug and/or a some level of fortune-cookie-level consolation.
Sure, I could verbally vomit onto a loved one or friend, but I needed someone – something – bigger than me. Bigger than you.
Philosopher, Alvin Plantinga, a Christian, teaches philosophy at the University of Notre Dame. He wrote,
This statement struck me. I longed for – I needed – comfort and peace ‘of a certain special kind.’
Former atheist, Holly Ordway, possesses a Ph.D. in English Literature from the University of Massachusetts in Amherst. She is brilliant (I know this first-hand because she was one of my professors in grad school.) Ordway was not a mere casual atheist. Rather, she was hostile toward anything to do with Christianity, describing those holding to a biblical worldview as “poor, deluded Christians.” In her book about her coming to faith in Christ, Not God’s Type: An Atheist Academic Lays Down Her Arms, she reinforces exactly how I was feeling, what I was searching for:
Note that, as still an atheist, Ordway was searching for something “real.” Or, as Plantinga describes it, “of a certain special kind.”
Rebecca McLaughlin holds a Ph.D. from Cambridge. In her book, Confronting Christianity, she cites atheist psychologist, Jonathan Haidt. Even Haidt admits…
What I needed and wanted was not a shoulder to cry on. What I needed and wanted was someone to scream at. Someone to blame. Someone to fight. Someone to hate. I needed something/someone ‘of a certain special kind.’
Where was I to find this comfort “of a certain kind”?
The Cross.
The Cross offered me a place to put my rage, pain and confusion.
As I re-investigated scripture through a filter of pain I had never experienced, stories from the Bible began jump off the page and take on meaning I’d never before seen.
Job had just buried ten children. He cried out in pain:
I felt myself drawn into Job’s story and the pain of mankind expressed in the Bible. The psalms are full of pain. David lamented,
And finally,
I cannot convey how deeply I resonated with the pain expressed in the Bible.
“Darkness is my closest friend.” This perfectly describes my psychological state prior to my ten-day stay in our local Psychiatric Ward.
Stay with me.
As I re-read the four biographies of Jesus (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John) in the New Testament, I saw again the hatred, disgust, and mockery the people hurled at Jesus.
I saw with fresh eyes how their vitriol and verbal venom didn’t stop when Jesus was sentenced to death. It escalated. The gospel writers give us a picture into the wickedness and utter depravity of the human condition.
The Bible says Jesus was tortured to the point of being unrecognizable. The prophet, Isaiah, prophesying 700 years before the crucifixion of Jesus, put it this way:
But this wasn’t enough for the crowd.
Like sharks smelling blood in the water, the people spewed acrimonious verbal assaults until Jesus’ dying breath. Even as Jesus was hanging on the Cross unrecognizable from the flogging and beating by the Roman soldiers, the criminals being executed on either side of him mocked and insulted him.
Back to Job:
Like Job, I wanted my day in court with God, if he actually existed.
I held nothing back from God. My rage exploded like a once dormant volcano.
Then, I waited.
Would he curse me for doubting him? Would he punish me who ridiculing him and blaming him for their suffering.
No. Jesus’ response was shockingly unexpected.
Isaiah describes in detail the response Jesus to our anger and rage:
I beat him over and over again with my pain, rage and confusion. And, just as he did 20 centuries ago, Jesus “offered his back,” hanging in ribbons to me.
He, in essence, whispered,
It was as though Jesus was saying gently to me, “Nick, your hatred for me can never affect my love for you.”
This was it. I had found my Someone ‘of a certain special kind.’
I found it not in mankind, but in the man on the Cross!
Lewis, again from his Mere Christianity, wrote,
Thank God for the Cross.
2. Atheism gave me no purpose for my pain.
Even the nihilist, Friedrich Neitzsche said,
And the Russian author, Fyodor Dostoevsky, in his classic, The Brothers Karamazov, observed,
There are numerous “isms” associated with atheism i.e. materialism, naturalism, humanism, Darwinianism, solipsism, scientism and others. These are all philosophical schools of thought arguing for very similar, but somewhat differently nuanced, ideas of – and for – human existence.
These worldviews left me intellectually and emotionally bankrupt.
These are all philosophical schools of thought arguing for very similar, but somewhat differently nuanced, ideas of – and for – human existence.
These worldviews left me intellectually and emotionally bankrupt.
- There are gaping holes in the reasoning behind each one of them.
- They were sterile and impersonal.
- They did not make best sense of reality.
At their root, they all attempt to place human existence somewhere between physics – humans amounting to nothing more than a mere collection of atoms – and what atheist physicist, Sean Carroll, calls Poetic Naturalism.
It became increasingly clear that worldviews outside the biblical worldview reach for ontological and epistemological explanations for meaning and hope that never materialize.
As I read Bertrand Russell’s speech titled, “Why I Am Not a Christian,” I thought to myself, “Here’s a brilliant scholar. Surely, he’ll offer at least a nugget or two supporting the non-existence of God.”
I was sorely disappointed.
I could not find anyone that followed the argument for their worldview to its logical end.
Raymond Tallis is one of my favorite atheists. Why? Rather than self-righteously and angrily attack opposing worldviews, he appears to be respectful, and open to intelligent dialogue. Like former atheist, Antony Flew, he is amenable to the Socratic principle of ‘following the evidence wherever it may lead us.’ (I highly recommend Flew’s book, There is a God: How the World’s Most Notorious Atheist Changed His Mind, which records his journey to theism.)
Tallis was elected Fellow of the Academy of Medical Sciences for his research in clinical neuroscience. Not only a brilliant philosopher, he is a physician, and was the Professor of Geriatric Medicine at the University of Manchester. In his book, Aping Mankind: Neuromania, Darwinitis, and the Misrepresentation of Humanity, he actually mocks the Darwinian naturalistic worldview by writing,
Until 2008, atheist, John Gray, was the Professor of European Thought at the London School of Economics. In his dismal and dispiriting book, Straw Dogs: Thoughts on Humans and Other Animals, he writes,
Again, Richard Dawkins:
In his book, God’s Undertaker: Has Science Buried God?, Oxford scientist, John Lennox, a Christian, quotes Oxford chemistry professor, Peter Atkins:
Lennox also quotes biologist, George Gaylord Simpson:
So, according to an atheistic and/or purely naturalistic worldview, we are:
- “fashioned in the bloodbath that is the natural world.”
- “only currents in the drift of genes.”
- “…blind, pitiless indifference.”
- “…any survival of purpose is inspired only by sentiment.”
Depressed yet?
Where was I to find meaning and purpose in my pain?
The Cross.
The Cross gave me purpose for my pain.
Philosophically, C.S. Lewis deconstructs the empty, morose opinions for the impossibility of life having any purpose:
In other words, if our universe (a.k.a. our existence) is meaningless, on what do they base their definition of “meaning” or “meaningless”? Since we don’t have meaning, we shouldn’t even know what the word means.
Stay with me while I clarify this point. Look at this passage from 1 Peter:
Translation:
When Jesus suffered and died on that Cross, yes – he served as the “Lamb who takes away the sin of the world” by taking our sin upon himself, offering us eternal life in heaven through faith in him. But, he also died so that we might not only “die to sins,” but “live for righteousness.” In short, he’s got purpose for us right here, right now – regardless of what we’ve gone through.
Paul helps us understand an important aspect of the purpose Christ gives us.
We’ve come a long way from “blind, pitiless indifference.”
I was reminded of how God used the pain of many in scripture: Joseph, Job, David, Daniel, Jeremiah, Jonah, Jesus’ disciples, Paul, and Jesus himself:
I found God wanted to repurpose my pain – now, the decision was up to me as to whether I would allow him to do that.
God never imposed himself on me. He gave me a choice. I could crawl up into a ball and die a slow death, or I could believe in my “someone of a special kind,” trust him with my pain, and allow him to repurpose my pain. I chose the latter.
As a result, a couple of years after Jordan took his life, public schools began contacting me to come speak to their students on the topic of suicide. I had never once “marketed myself” by creating a web site, fliers, etc. I certainly had no desire to relive my son’s suicide. That said, it never occurred to me that God could – or would want to – use my family’s pain to help others with their pain.
It was a “ministry we never asked for, nor wanted.”
I’ve now spoken in 15 public schools, to medical personnel at a hospital, in two universities (speaking at WBU again in May), regional high school leadership conferences, and numerous churches.
I frequently receive emails, texts and notes from school administrative staff after I speak in assemblies. Almost always I am told a particular student who was planning on taking their life has chosen to live after listening to what I had to say.
A mental health professional (not a Christian) asked me once, “Why would you put yourself through that level of torture?”
Here’s why:
The first time I ever spoke to a crowd on this topic was to regional high school students at the Lubbock Civic Center. I was fairly terrified, as well as an emotional mess. (I actually felt bad those students had to sit through my presentation as I couldn’t seem to stop weeping.) But, it appears God enjoys using ‘messes.’
The next morning, a counselor from a local high school contacted me to tell me of a student who came to her office to explain that he had attempted to take his life the night before by swallowing an entire bottle of pills. Then he told the counselor, “But I made myself throw up the pills.” When asked why, he said, “Because of that man who lost his son.”
That precious young man chose to live because of Christ using my story of pain. God was giving me purpose in my pain – something atheism had failed to provide.
At the encouragement of a friend, I began blogging as a form a therapy.
After the 2016 Netflix series, 13 Reasons Why, debuted, I wrote a blog titled, Why 13 Reasons Why is Both Dark and Dangerous. Apparently, it connected. It’s been viewed over 250,000 times in over 150 countries.
Further, my blog, Suicide & the Bible, has been viewed over 55,000 times.
My wife, Michelle, and I receive requests weekly from people asking if we can help those who’ve walked in our shoes.
After “finding my way back home,” I was reminded that, in the hands of Jesus, pain is re-purposed and transformed.
We’re a mess; but in Christ we’re a perfect mess, a beautiful mess, a usable mess, a powerful mess.
My rage was repurposed into passion, my despair into hope.
And that brings me to my third and final reason for why atheism failed me.
3. Atheism gave me no hope in my pain.
Atheism gave me absolutely no hope of ever seeing my son again.
The Epicurean worldview is delineated as follows: We’re born. We live. We die. (Or, as the book of Job says: “Dust to dust.”) But this philosophy is older than Epicurus.
Warning ancient Israel of God’s impending judgment, the prophet, Isaiah, confronted the recalcitrant people for allowing themselves to devolve into this same philosophy:
“Let’s feast and drink, for tomorrow we die!”
Internet atheists like to quote Nietzche, but they care little to study the context surrounding what he espoused. They like his quotes, but know little about the man.
As I read Nietzsche’s Twilight of Idols and the Anti-Christ, my heart hurt for him. Nietzsche was clearly a tormented man desperately searching for meaning and hope. In Anti-Christ, he wrote:
Nietzche was a nihilist – nihilism is the philosophy that life is meaningless. Therefore, it offers no hope for…anything.
That is precisely what atheism offered me. Bondage.
Where was I to find hope?
In the Cross.
Hope changes everything – not necessarily our circumstances, but our perspective as we look at our circumstance through the filter of the Risen Christ.
Not only did the Cross give me hope of one day being united with Jordan, but it gave me hope that he’s more alive than he’s ever been!
Once again, allow me to further this point. Jesus said to the dying thief, and to a grieving Martha, respectively,
Why are these words from Jesus significant? Paul answers that question in his letter to the Thessalonians:
“…not as those who have no hope.”
In his book, Melissa (the story of his daughter’s suicide), Frank Page writes,
Jeremiah watched in horror as his people were being taken captive and into exile. He railed at God. Then? He was reminded of what is true:
“…and therefore I have hope.“
TWO FINAL WORDS:
As I’ve stated, the “problem of pain” is the No. 1 argument for atheism.
But, make no mistake:
1. Every worldview has its own “problem of pain.”
However, only the biblical worldview offers a place to put our pain, purpose in our pain, and hope in our pain.
Philosopher, Paul Gould, a Christian, rightly encouraged,
The Christians in ancient Rome knew that at any moment they may be killed in the arena for the sole purpose of being a Christian. This is why Paul wrote,
“Hope” shows up a lot in the biblical worldview.
2. Every worldview is a “faith” worldview.
The late Christopher Hitchens said arrogantly, not to mention ignorantly:
Lee Strobel is no intellectual slouch. After graduating from Yale Law School, he became the Legal Editor for the Chicago Tribune. While, as an ardent atheist, he feverishly tried to prove the Christian faith to be a fairytale. Yet, like me and many others, he discovered just the opposite. This discovery led to his coming to faith in Jesus Christ. In response to assertions made by Hitchens, Strobel offered,
What I discovered along my own personal journey of investigation is that it’s the Christians, not the atheists, who are not afraid to engage in intelligent and respectful debate. Consider Lennox’s retort in response to Dawkins’ condescending comment:
As my journey back “home” to Jesus was progressing, I’ll never forget that hot summer afternoon I was standing in my driveway just outside my garage, the same garage I had run out the day I found Jordan. I had begun talking to God again. And he was talking with me. Not “out loud/verbally”, but through creation. My garage facing west, the sun was beating down on me that clear day, I found myself asking, “Why is the sun 93 million miles away from earth and not farther, or closer?”
Oh, I wish I had time and space here to share with you what has continued to strengthen my faith as I’ve studied cosmology, astronomy, philosophy, biology, the historical reliability of the New Testament, and the logic for the resurrection of Jesus Christ. But that’s another essay.
I hold to a biblical worldview because of faith – but it’s not blind faith.
My faith is based on evidence that is not merely compelling, but overwhelming.
Conclusion
To my atheist friends who have stayed with me this far into this story, “Could I be wrong?” Of course. But, given the overwhelming evidence for the Bible being true, I would plead with you not to wager against it.
Albert Camus was a brilliant French philosopher, winning the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1957. Even Camus confessed,
I had done my due diligence. I had tested atheism against Christianity. When I was done I found myself resonating with Simon Peter. Jesus had just preached a blistering sermon to a huge crowd. As a result, John records, “At this point many of his disciples turned away and deserted him.” Heartbroken, Jesus turned to his disciples and asked, “Are you also going to leave?” Peter replied with resolve,
On May 13, 2013, my precious son, Jordan, took his own life. He was 19. In the days that followed, I set my course to prove God did not exist.
But Atheism failed me
It gave me no place to put my pain.
It gave me no purpose in my pain.
It gave me no hope in my pain.
For Jordan, for Narnia, for the risen Christ, nw
**If you’d like to watch a video of me sharing this you can do that by clicking here. However, you won’t be able to see the slides I use in my talk.