Embattled Healing

“But there will be no gloom for her who was in anguish.” (Isaiah 9:1)

Six months ago today my son took his own life.

And everything changed.

A week ago this past Friday I had a breakdown so severe that Michelle almost had to take me to the hospital. One week ago today, I had a “flashback” so graphic & real of that moment I found my son i screamed, my body flew back several steps, and it was several long seconds before I recovered enough to have the presence of mind to rebuke the enemy and invoke the name of Jesus Christ. This has, in turn, forced me into another round of EMDR therapy.

I guess it’s no coincidence that today my daily devotion time with God began with the 9th chapter of Isaiah. Not only does the chapter kick off with the prophecy cited at the top, but verse 6 is the familiar passage, “For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given….”, prophesying the coming of “God with skin on”, Jesus Christ, Immanuel, God With Us.

On May 13th, when the earth shifted under our feet, all I believed to be true & real was knocked off its axis. It was as though my gut was kicked in so hard my contacts flew out and, as a result, everything became immediately dark & blurry. A few days later though, still “blind,” I finally heard a Voice whisper, “Nick, take My hand. I’ve got you. In fact, I’ve always had you. I. Am. Jesus. I was there to catch Jordan that day. And I was there to catch you, as well. BOTH of you were, and are, safe & secure in the palm of My hand.”

Since that day I first heard His voice again, through His Word (the Bible) & His Body (you), He is helping me refocus. My “contacts” are back in. And, although there are still moments that I lose my way, He is there to whisper, “Peace, Nick, I’ve got this. My love for you is beyond your human level of comprehension. Trust Me.” I mentioned earlier that, on May 13th, everything changed. Not everything. I did. My family did. But God didn’t. He’s still good. And He’s still God.

Life, Not Death – So, as best as I can, today – six months removed – I will focus not on when Jordan died, but when he truly became alive. I love you so much, Jordan.


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