Sitting pensively here in my “office” a.k.a. coffee shop, staring into the near distance, a song came over the sound system I first heard when I was a child way back in the 70’s, a time known as the treasure chest of “singer/songwriter, folk music” when musicians were poets.
The song is titled “Cat’s in the Cradle” by Harry Chapin.
The song so struck a nation-wide nerve, it rose to No. 1 on the Billboard 100 in 1974. (Believe it or not, I still have the “45 vinyl”.)
The tune is haunting, but not nearly as haunting as the lyrics, the song ending with,
“My boy was just like me.”
I can’t remember when/where I heard it, but I’ve cited the following quote hundreds of times while teaching and counseling:
“You teach what you know; you reproduce what you are.”
That’s the message of Chapin’s song.
When I was a Youth Pastor, on occasion a parent would bring their teenager to me, asking me basically to “fix their kid” who may have been rebellious, angry, deceptive, disrespectful, etc. I was their “last ditch effort”.
As much as my heart broke for the teenager, it commonly became quickly apparent the parent and child lost intimacy years prior, life demonstrating no more relational depth outside the daily “hi/bye”, finally arriving at a place where they barely knew one another.
They wanted me to get their child into church. But the child had no interest in connecting with a community of Christians (church). Their parents didn’t prioritize this so why should they? (I can remember my dad dropping me off at church while he drove off to do other things.)
Since I’m a dad, allow me to offer a challenge to dads.
First of all, dads, please don’t find any shame in this post if it hits hard. I’ve failed miserably as a dad many times (we all wish we could go back and do some things differently.) My message here is this: it’s never too late to do the right thing. But it may require deliberate, even hard “recalibration” in behavior and habits.
Want to make certain your daughter marries a man of God, who loves and respects her? Who’s strong enough to talk about feelings and emotions? In short, do you want to make sure she knows what to look for in a husband? Model that for her.
Want your son to grow into a man of God who understands what it means to have integrity? Who’s a man of his word? Who develops a strong work ethic? Who knows how to be strong as well as gentle? Who validates his wife’s opinions and feelings? Who truly loves his bride “as Christ loved the church?” (Cf. Eph 5:25) Model that for him.
Want your wife and kids to always feel safe about sharing things with you i.e. hurts, mistakes, etc, without you reacting harshly? Show them you’re a safe refuge.
I sat in a conference once and the speaker said something to dads I’ve never forgotten:
“The best thing you can do for the emotional and spiritual health of your children is to love your wife.”
Protect your family with strength and courage, but equally with gentleness and tenderness.
CS Lewis rightly wrote,
“Since it is so likely that (children) will meet cruel enemies, let them at least have heard of brave knights and heroic courage. Otherwise, you are making their destiny not brighter but darker.”
You never stop raising your kids. It’s precisely why I am writing this for me as well.
Want your children to learn to pray? Let them hear you pray. Want them to know how to share their faith? Let them see you share yours? Want them to fall in love with their Bible? Let them see you read yours.
Satan’s been trying to fragment families since Eden. Why? Because family was God’s idea. It’s a holy institution. Guard it. Nurture it. Lead.
“You teach what you know; you reproduce what you are.”
“Lord, show me where I can better model You for my family. Reveal to me where I’ve been emotionally absent or unavailable. Lord, is there any area in my life I need to change to be the man of God you’ve commanded me to be for my family? If so, would you please give me the strength to change those behaviors. Amen.”
Linked here is Chapin’s song with lyrics. nw